she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
