he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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