After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
