My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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