One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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