she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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