I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
