i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
