Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
