I skipped work to stalk him.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
