Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize