My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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