I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
