Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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