Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
