I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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