plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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