dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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