is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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