i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
i now understand why vodka
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
