Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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