my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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