and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Randomize
