rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
