omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
