The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
