I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
