yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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