I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm gonna fight the coyote
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
