This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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