i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
