I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Sorry my hands just texted you
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
