At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
