I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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