I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
