I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
