Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
