I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
