somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
