dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
