Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
The best revenge is premature balding
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
