Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
