So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm having to shit out rocks
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
