this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
