I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
