Even the bartender felt bad for me
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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