I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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