make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
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