My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
