They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
