And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
