Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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