Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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