Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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