Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
