Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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