her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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