No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
