my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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