I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
