it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
